Keep walking, though there’s no place to get to.Don’t try to see through the distances.
That’s not for human beings. Move within,
but don’t move the way fear makes you move.
Walk to the well.
Turn as the earth and the moon turn,
Circling what they love.
Whatever circles comes from the center.
Dance, when you’re broken open.
Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off.
Dance in the middle of the fighting.
Dance in your blood.
Dance, when you’re perfectly free.
--Jelaluddin Rumi, 13th Century
Ten days away from work at the end of 2006 offered the opportunity to finally make my “new” place a home. Ever the little designer, I found great satisfaction in adding a new sculpture to my living room – a Michelangelo replica of two lovers – creating amazing energy along with the addition of a flowing water fountain and some new fabrics, pillows, etc. The bulk of the ten days was spent shredding old financial and personal documents, creating a new filing system, working on a new budget, etc. All stuff I know you are dying to hear about! It certainly wasn’t all that interesting until I came upon old writings from my previous bout with cancer and early adult years. Life has changed for me, and admittedly, I breathe a sigh of relief! One writing in particular struck me because I am approaching the same medical testing next week. It mirrored to me the changes that I hoped have become evident since then. A growing sense of centeredness despite my surroundings…I had and still have a long way to go.
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January 31, 2002 -- Went to the Chihuly exhibit at Lowe Gallery this morning - glass blower extraordinaire. Mom and I stood with our mouths open, never before have I seen a closer resemblance to the beauty of nature. He caught it…I applaud him. His works now go for 30K into the hundreds of thousands. Impressive; seeing an artist bursting forth with the creativity that floods them, unashamed…and getting it…really getting it. Glass works 16 feet high dropping from the ceiling, vases of blown flowers, a ship 30 feet long filled with a kaleidoscope of color in various glass forms. Chihuly will be remembered for years beyond his death.
One mile away and one hour earlier I was at Piedmont Hospital in Nuclear Testing; a stark contrast to the intensity of the Chihuly colors. A far cry from the life and creativity bursting forth in Chihuly. My hardest tests yet. Chihuly has no fear as he anchors his glass pyramid from the Jerusalem sky and lights up the ancient city with sharply studded forms that burst the dreary landscape into life. Back in Nuclear Testing I shed tears. Chihuly wouldn’t have cried. Don’t breathe, don’t move, don’t talk...as the tube encloses tightly around me, and I feel my breath on the suffocating wall that comes on my face, chest, shoulders legs beyond my hair and toes. It’s not human. Thirty minutes of encapsulation seem like centuries. I call for the test to stop. They bring my mother in. We start all over. Back into the capsule. I cry, mom sees and she can’t do anything.
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If the lessons learned from the trials of life give us one thing, it is the understanding of how strong we can be. That knowing makes us free. I also have to give a great deal of credit to the incredible opportunity my life has to follow my bliss every day with the work that I do. It fills the space that would normally be spent with time worrying. I didn’t have that luxury in those early years.
I also have a growing sense of centeredness that has been achieved through meditation, exercise, and a strong belief in God and all things positive in this world. I didn’t know where to begin with any of that in those early years either.
So, yes I approach the tests next week with fear and trembling, but I am entering this time with a strong sense of self and of God, amazing friends/family that are holding my hand along the way, and a passion for my bliss that is increasingly becoming greater than me. For through those things holding me up, I am able to dance.
