I was given a gift this week - one that I did not choose but one that will continue to change me. With the word of an unfortunate medical resident walking down an alley he thought had already been tred with me, I was told by him that the cancer of five years ago has returned. His shocked face realizing he was the first to tell me, thinking the specialists before him had spilled the news, I found myself doing the comforting "Buddy, it is your lucky day" - to his blushing face. With the blush of his face, any remnant of rose-colored glasses fell from my eyes and the world spun into crystal clear focus.
All the "suppose tos" and "must haves" don't mean anything anymore and why should they? All the rules are broken and the gloves are off. And I am feeling totally and completely free. In a lot of ways facing yourself and the finality of life during the young life-giving years provides the opportunity to release the chains facing the shadows on the wall in the proverbial Dante's cave and turn around to walk into the sunshine. I'm free.
A freedom that is bittersweet - as I watch several friends giving birth right now and a long lost archrival from graduate school reappears in my life, model thin, bejeweled, with the most gorgeous baby on her hip. I swallow hard and realize I don't need to run the race, in fact there isn't a race at all -- I'm free. Free to be, say, do what makes my heart sing and drives my passions.
With my clean bill of health that is sure to come in a matter of months, I am ready to embrace life with a passion, love deeply and long, and make a difference where I can.
I have decided that those things are best done behind the wheel of a convertible roadster, and I sat in the first demo last night, revvvvvved the engine hard and dreamed. The Saturn Sky in racing red (I know - American made - but just look at it!) is just what the doctor ordered. With a clean bill of health, I have decided to trade in the 9-3 for the Sky.
So, in May of next year, if a red blurr passes you on the highway with the driver's scarf flapping and Jackie O sunglasses shading the sun -- just know that is me and I am alive -- truly, fully alive.
